Keeping it in the Family

In 1779 two old duffers were arguing over who had the fastest horse. Instead of entering them into one of the established races at the Oaks Stakes, they decided only a completely new one would do. The Earl of Derby, one of the said duffers, dipped a hand into his rather large wallet and sponsored a new fixture on the Oaks Stakes racecard and rather graciously named it after himself. Rather irritatingly for him, it turned out his chum Charles Bunbury had the fastest horse - Diomed picked up the first ever Derby and a purse of over £1,000. To this day it's still the richest race on the UK calendar.

Here's me and Grandad arguing about which horse might win this year.

He's a bit of an expert, you see, and it's nice he's keen to pass on his knowledge.

Today we all met at The Derby Arms opposite Epsom. It was my first trip to a racecourse, so rather fitting that I got to tread the hallowed turf where the Blue Ribband event of British racing is held every June.

Nanna and Grandad now live close by for a while - a little sojourn in Carshalton between their stint in Cardiff and vacance in Rome. It's nice having them nearby. After a cuddle with Nanna, we then walked back across the racecourse and watched some grown men play with model planes. After one chap's helicopter exploded at 20 feet we jumped in the car and tootled home.

One day I shall have a real one that'll drop me off on Derby Day.

AMK

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Flash forward six months. AMK is at nursery and has the place on lockdown. He was the first to understand the power of the powder. A new kid tries to muscle-in on my patch, my lucrative piece of the action: what a mistake-a to make-a.

Benjamin White (the new kid): Hey, my name is Benny Blanco from the other side of the Bridge.
AMK: You know me?
Benny Blanco: Yeah, I know you, you're AMK, mo-freakin' to the max, that's who you are!
AMK: Well, I don't know you. So, I don't owe you, Saso does. My place now, new rules. Everybody pays, okay? You think you like me? You ain't like me, you a punk. I've been with made people, connected people. Who've you been with? Chain snatching, jive-ass, maricon no mo's. Why don't you get out of here and go snatch a purse.

The powder to which I refer is, of course,Ashton and Parsons Infants Powders. It's quite magical stuff.

M&D give me a dose at bedtime and it sends me boss-eyed with joy. A nice little hit of fizzy fun on the old tongue before sleeps. When my teeth finally start coming through I'm hoping they'll up the old dosage.

AMK

Sleep 'til You're Hungry, Eat 'til You're Sleepy

That's not a bad philosophy, so I'm testing it out. While my milk does indeed make me sleepy if I drink it in quantity, there's a new way of speeding the journey from hunger to sleep - it combines consumption with physical exercise, you see.

When M&D sit down for their food, I sit down with them in my big chair. They lay out lots of nice things on my tray and I get to sling them about the place and stuff them in my mouth. It started a little hit or miss, but I think I'm getting the knack.

I'm in charge now, so it seems. It might look like feeding time at the zoo, but apparently I'm now a leading exponent of the science of "baby-led weaning". I can't believe anyone seriously believes putting a 6 month old baby in charge of their diet is a good idea, but here we are. I have a little nibble of this, a chew on that. And whether I like it or not I get to sling what's left across the room. It's all marvelous stuff. So far my favourite is brocolli.

Daddy isn't a great fan, it must be said. You see I end up gagging, choking and spluttering a lot. I've only stopped breathing twice and gone blue once, but it's all in a day's work.

AMK

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Day-in, day-out. Sleep, eat, giggle, gurgle, entertain, eat and sleep: the weight of responsibility I have to carry on my little narrow shoulders every day. If you're not careful, it can all grind you down.

So it's important to have an outlet - a way of blowing off steam. Some people fly model planes, some watch the rugby and others do karate, karaoke or even learn Klingon. I've found another way, which is why this week I recommend ...stacking cups!(4pce)

M&D build them up, I knock 'em down. Build 'em up, knock 'em down, again and again. There's nothing more theraputic. So just when everything starts getting a little bit too much, give it a go: there's nothing more fun than a bit of crash, bang wallop. And my Mummy is the best cup stacker of them all. I love my Mummy.

AMK

Get Well Soon Mark

On Guernsey my friend Mark took a tumble on his bicycle. It's a good job he was wearing his helmet, but a bit of a shame he wasn't wearing his cape and spangly bodysuit.

Get well soon Uncle Mark.

AMK