Saturday, 27 March 2010


It's a cheap trick, you know. Just because I can't walk or talk right now, doesn't mean you can go leaving me places anytime you feel like.

M&D, I'm talking to you so listen up. A young man could develop a complex, you know. Distracting me with a rice cake and then making a dash for it is not a great advert for perfect parenting. Well poo to you both, with nobs on.

I'm having a much nicer time here with Nanna and Grandad anyway. Nanna's made me a lovely tea and Grandad is teaching me boxing and drums and about all the plants in the garden. I'll be fine here, thank you. Don't bother coming back for me. You'll be hearing from my lawyer in due course.


Friday, 26 March 2010

Crawling, but not as we know it

Sitting up has given me a splendid new perspective on life. Rather than stare at the ceiling all day long, I can now look about me and see what's what. And when there's not much about I can watch my toes and yank off my socks - the most fun a boy can have.

But one step at a time. I've got little interest in moving anywhere: I just don't see the appeal in this 'crawling' thing. If a toy is out of reach I make a half-hearted lunge for it before making a frustrated growl and it's brought to me!

However, over the past few weeks I've been learning a different type of crawl. Every Thursday Mummy takes me to Teddington Pool for swimming lessons. I splish, splash and kick my legs around with the other water babies. I chase a ball by kicking my legs really hard and Mummy even dunks me, which is very trying if I'm honest.

Today was my last lesson and as a test I had to hold on to the rail and bob about the place all on my own. It was fun for a second or two, before I got bored and let go. So today, the most important lesson I learned was that little boys with porky bellies don't float.


Saturday, 20 March 2010

Messing about on the river

There's nothing quite like whiling away Saturday afternoons discussing the issues of the day and putting the world to rights. Especially in the pub.

Today Felix and me had lunch at The Boaters. While the loonies were racing up and down the river in their row boats, we enjoyed some fine milk and wholesome grub on the bankside.

We've grown up together round these parts and I suspect we'll spend many more Saturdays supping and chatting on the river over the years to come (though I suspect we may not always sit there in identical vests, eating breadsticks and drinking milk).

Cheers Felix!


Thursday, 18 March 2010

This Week, AMK Recommends...

It's said that Mozart began to compose at the age of five. Lauded for his technical precision and depth of passion, he performed in front of royalty at just 17 and went on to redefine Opera with his blend of neo-baroque classical rock. Precocious little toad.

Well old Wolfgang's got nowt on me. You see, while the old maestro had his dad teaching him how to tinkle the old clavier, I've got Monkey Music to show me how to bash seven shades of sugar out of a plastic tambourine. Mummy takes me to The Landmark Arts Centre every Wednesday afternoon to learn about music.

We sit in a big circle and a lady sings us songs. She's a nice lady, with hair like a big bush. At the start of each new tune she gives us a different instrument to rattle, bash or tap.

A lot of my new friends at Monkey Music need help from their mummy to make a din, but I'm surprisingly adept; a natural. Whatever instrument we're given, I can make a big noise with it: I care little for rhythm and tend to focus on volume.

Mummy has spotted my promise and has bought me my very own music set, which I'm allowed to use at Nanna & Grandad's or whenever Daddy's looking after me. I've decided to follow Mozart by bucking the current trends and carving out my own style. But that's where the similarity ends. In many ways I'm a little more like another musical maestro: a muppet called Animal.

So this week I recommend Monkey Music. Raaaargh!


Monday, 15 March 2010

Bounce the bounce

The Whoop-de-Dooper Loop-de-Looper
Alley-Ooper Bounce!
The Whoop-de-Dooper Loop-de-Looper
Alley-Ooper Bounce!
The more you try the more
You fly and that's what really counts activates, and
elevates, accelerates and more
You're bouncing off the ceiling,
like you never did before
The Whoop-de-Dooper
Alley-Ooper Bounce



Sunday, 7 March 2010

He's Wet the Baby's Head

We took a trip out to Staines today, aye innit. It was Harriet's special day in the church, where a man wearing a dress splish splashes some water on her head and declares her member of a new gang. We sat with Nigel, Lynne and my chum Edward during the ceremonies, which was cool. We all played Star Wars Top Trumps.

Afterwards we had a little look at the river before heading off to Royal Holloway for a party. We had drinks and lots of food in Crosslands Bar, where Daddy used to do the same when he was a young impoverished student and where he later wooed Mummy. She must have been a very lucky woman.

Harriet looked lovely in her big dress, and she was lucky to have an enormous cake. Uncle Chris made a funny speech and we were all having a tip top time until things took a sinister twist.

I'm still a little shaken now as I type. You see, the Egham Child Catcher got wind of the afternoon's affair and gatecrashed. I managed to take this snap as he stole me away - enough of a clue for Daddy to come and rescue me. He looks distressingly like Uncle Nigel...

Come along kiddie-winkies, hahahahaha!


Saturday, 6 March 2010

The Law of Unintended Consequences

As previously documented, M&D seem keen that I develop a healthy interest in things other than the bottle and bed. It's all getting a little tiresome; I feel like one of those poor kids in a 'pushy parents documentary'. But today it all rather backfired and I hope it has put an end to their nonsense.

The weekend arrived (as it does on a Saturday) and as the sun was shining we decided to catch the train into London for a walk along the South Bank to soak up the sights, the culture and the general atmos. We saw some older boys doing parkour, which was cool but re-affirmed my fears about knee damage. Daddy wheeled me round some galleries to look at pictures and we even strolled round an old power station (another gallery, apparently, but all we saw was a slope, a queue for the lift and a lot of posh children with funny names).

Before long it was lunch time so we popped into a nice little place called Leon. It's basically fast food like McDonalds, but with old wooden furniture and nice food instead of plastic seats and plastic food. I had fun there. It was full of people reading books and wearing silly glasses, all acting very 'arty'. But I just liked hanging out and eating my bread stick and humous.

Halfway through my lunchtime treats I also realised that M&D have helped me discover a genuine interest. Our serendipitous refreshment break made me realise that I share the one hobby (the only one) they have too: I like hanging out eating and drinking in nice places. In trying to get me all excited about culture and bone-breaking adrenalin sports, they've inadvertently gotten me into fine dining and pubs. We're all cut from the same cloth, afterall.

It was clearly a moment of truth for M&D too. On the way home we stopped off at Kingston and nipped into Hahahahaha's for another quick bite to eat and a bottle of milk.



Tuesday, 2 March 2010

This Week, AMK Recommends...

This week I'd like to recommend a little film that my friend Dr Rata showed Daddy. It's tricky to explain so I'll just let you watch it.