Monday, 3 May 2010

Italian Tipple

Lunch out on Bank Holiday Monday. Whenever Mummy turns her back, I now make a lunge for her white wine. Milk, shmilk. Just don't let on...


Sunday, 18 April 2010

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Horse Power at Beaulieu

After a nice breakfast with Grandpa and GG we set off for a drive back in time to Beaulieu to meet Auntie Stephanie and Pillsbury Phil. Once we'd broken away from the several thousand cars all crawling into Lyndhurst, we raced through the forest and pulled up at Monty's for a spot of lunch.

Beaulieu is a funny old place. It's full of nice old cars and cranky old horses; after a fine lunch (thank you Phil), we went to have a look at both. After spotting a nice old silver DB6 being serviced in the garage we went to meet an old silver nag outside the ice cream shop. Phil went to give the old gal a pat on the head and got nothing but a kick in the shins for his troubles.

Nature's all very well and good, but when it comes to horses I prefer them under the bonnet or on the race track. Or in my tube of Pritt Stick.


p.s. You can see from this photo that M&D have taken to lumping me round in a rucksack. The gusset rides right up. Right up. Thank you Uncle Dan and Auntie Sue.

Saturday, 27 March 2010


It's a cheap trick, you know. Just because I can't walk or talk right now, doesn't mean you can go leaving me places anytime you feel like.

M&D, I'm talking to you so listen up. A young man could develop a complex, you know. Distracting me with a rice cake and then making a dash for it is not a great advert for perfect parenting. Well poo to you both, with nobs on.

I'm having a much nicer time here with Nanna and Grandad anyway. Nanna's made me a lovely tea and Grandad is teaching me boxing and drums and about all the plants in the garden. I'll be fine here, thank you. Don't bother coming back for me. You'll be hearing from my lawyer in due course.


Friday, 26 March 2010

Crawling, but not as we know it

Sitting up has given me a splendid new perspective on life. Rather than stare at the ceiling all day long, I can now look about me and see what's what. And when there's not much about I can watch my toes and yank off my socks - the most fun a boy can have.

But one step at a time. I've got little interest in moving anywhere: I just don't see the appeal in this 'crawling' thing. If a toy is out of reach I make a half-hearted lunge for it before making a frustrated growl and it's brought to me!

However, over the past few weeks I've been learning a different type of crawl. Every Thursday Mummy takes me to Teddington Pool for swimming lessons. I splish, splash and kick my legs around with the other water babies. I chase a ball by kicking my legs really hard and Mummy even dunks me, which is very trying if I'm honest.

Today was my last lesson and as a test I had to hold on to the rail and bob about the place all on my own. It was fun for a second or two, before I got bored and let go. So today, the most important lesson I learned was that little boys with porky bellies don't float.


Saturday, 20 March 2010

Messing about on the river

There's nothing quite like whiling away Saturday afternoons discussing the issues of the day and putting the world to rights. Especially in the pub.

Today Felix and me had lunch at The Boaters. While the loonies were racing up and down the river in their row boats, we enjoyed some fine milk and wholesome grub on the bankside.

We've grown up together round these parts and I suspect we'll spend many more Saturdays supping and chatting on the river over the years to come (though I suspect we may not always sit there in identical vests, eating breadsticks and drinking milk).

Cheers Felix!


Thursday, 18 March 2010

This Week, AMK Recommends...

It's said that Mozart began to compose at the age of five. Lauded for his technical precision and depth of passion, he performed in front of royalty at just 17 and went on to redefine Opera with his blend of neo-baroque classical rock. Precocious little toad.

Well old Wolfgang's got nowt on me. You see, while the old maestro had his dad teaching him how to tinkle the old clavier, I've got Monkey Music to show me how to bash seven shades of sugar out of a plastic tambourine. Mummy takes me to The Landmark Arts Centre every Wednesday afternoon to learn about music.

We sit in a big circle and a lady sings us songs. She's a nice lady, with hair like a big bush. At the start of each new tune she gives us a different instrument to rattle, bash or tap.

A lot of my new friends at Monkey Music need help from their mummy to make a din, but I'm surprisingly adept; a natural. Whatever instrument we're given, I can make a big noise with it: I care little for rhythm and tend to focus on volume.

Mummy has spotted my promise and has bought me my very own music set, which I'm allowed to use at Nanna & Grandad's or whenever Daddy's looking after me. I've decided to follow Mozart by bucking the current trends and carving out my own style. But that's where the similarity ends. In many ways I'm a little more like another musical maestro: a muppet called Animal.

So this week I recommend Monkey Music. Raaaargh!


Monday, 15 March 2010

Bounce the bounce

The Whoop-de-Dooper Loop-de-Looper
Alley-Ooper Bounce!
The Whoop-de-Dooper Loop-de-Looper
Alley-Ooper Bounce!
The more you try the more
You fly and that's what really counts activates, and
elevates, accelerates and more
You're bouncing off the ceiling,
like you never did before
The Whoop-de-Dooper
Alley-Ooper Bounce



Sunday, 7 March 2010

He's Wet the Baby's Head

We took a trip out to Staines today, aye innit. It was Harriet's special day in the church, where a man wearing a dress splish splashes some water on her head and declares her member of a new gang. We sat with Nigel, Lynne and my chum Edward during the ceremonies, which was cool. We all played Star Wars Top Trumps.

Afterwards we had a little look at the river before heading off to Royal Holloway for a party. We had drinks and lots of food in Crosslands Bar, where Daddy used to do the same when he was a young impoverished student and where he later wooed Mummy. She must have been a very lucky woman.

Harriet looked lovely in her big dress, and she was lucky to have an enormous cake. Uncle Chris made a funny speech and we were all having a tip top time until things took a sinister twist.

I'm still a little shaken now as I type. You see, the Egham Child Catcher got wind of the afternoon's affair and gatecrashed. I managed to take this snap as he stole me away - enough of a clue for Daddy to come and rescue me. He looks distressingly like Uncle Nigel...

Come along kiddie-winkies, hahahahaha!


Saturday, 6 March 2010

The Law of Unintended Consequences

As previously documented, M&D seem keen that I develop a healthy interest in things other than the bottle and bed. It's all getting a little tiresome; I feel like one of those poor kids in a 'pushy parents documentary'. But today it all rather backfired and I hope it has put an end to their nonsense.

The weekend arrived (as it does on a Saturday) and as the sun was shining we decided to catch the train into London for a walk along the South Bank to soak up the sights, the culture and the general atmos. We saw some older boys doing parkour, which was cool but re-affirmed my fears about knee damage. Daddy wheeled me round some galleries to look at pictures and we even strolled round an old power station (another gallery, apparently, but all we saw was a slope, a queue for the lift and a lot of posh children with funny names).

Before long it was lunch time so we popped into a nice little place called Leon. It's basically fast food like McDonalds, but with old wooden furniture and nice food instead of plastic seats and plastic food. I had fun there. It was full of people reading books and wearing silly glasses, all acting very 'arty'. But I just liked hanging out and eating my bread stick and humous.

Halfway through my lunchtime treats I also realised that M&D have helped me discover a genuine interest. Our serendipitous refreshment break made me realise that I share the one hobby (the only one) they have too: I like hanging out eating and drinking in nice places. In trying to get me all excited about culture and bone-breaking adrenalin sports, they've inadvertently gotten me into fine dining and pubs. We're all cut from the same cloth, afterall.

It was clearly a moment of truth for M&D too. On the way home we stopped off at Kingston and nipped into Hahahahaha's for another quick bite to eat and a bottle of milk.



Tuesday, 2 March 2010

This Week, AMK Recommends...

This week I'd like to recommend a little film that my friend Dr Rata showed Daddy. It's tricky to explain so I'll just let you watch it.


Sunday, 28 February 2010

Help Me Angus, You're My Only Hope

I had a very distressing afternoon today. It turns out Mummy keeps a little boy trapped in a flat-pack plastic box. Poor little soul looks so confused and forlorn. And strangely familiar too.

I tried to free him today but no luck. Must try again tomorrow.


Saturday, 27 February 2010

Big Ern, it's Been a Long Time

This hobby lark is throwing up some interesting adventures. Parkour was ok but I'm concerned about too much impact stress on the old knees, so today I tried something new.

Like Parkour, it demands total dedication; it requires mental commitment and only the physical elite will succeed. Unlike free running, however, you tend to improve after a bucket of nachos and half a dozen Carona's. And you get to wear cool shoes to boot, as it were. Ten pin.

Yup, Billy and me went down to MegaBowl. After starting with a few duff gutter balls, I'd soon bowled my first strike. By the 10th frame we were tied on 209 and I was faced with the 7-10 split. 'Bedposts'. The hardest split of 'em all. I released the ball with unrivalled fury, right to left in-swing to dig out the 7 pin and pick up the 10 on the re-bound.

But I missed and Billy won. Still, it was a fun way to celebrate my 7 month birthday.

Mummy was kind: here she is trying to rig the scores in my favour.

No matter, I shall get my revenge next time. Afterwards we all went back to Billy's house for supper and fun. I had a consolation bottle of milk and mulled over my ten pin future.


Friday, 26 February 2010

Happy Birthday Nanna, Part II

A little like the Queen, Nanna is having two birthdays this year. Or to be precise, because this year's birthday is such a big one she's celebrating it twice. I like that philosophy and would like to hereby remind M&D that one's first birthday is probably the most important of all. Ahem, hint.

So today M&D went into London to help Nanna have a fun day at the theatre with all her chums. Despite my penchant for Marlowe, Miller, Coward and Stoppard, I was left at home for the day. Thankfully I had GG and Grandpa to look after me, and I dare say we had more fun. Hurumph.

We had a jolly day together and they did a good job of looking after me.

I highly recommend their services to all my chums. Here we all are enjoying a laugh on the morning after the night before. In fact, I had so much fun I barely noticed M&D had gone awol.

Thank you for looking after me GG and Grandpa.


NB. As a point of clarity, it's worth noting that Grandpa's name is Mike not Jack (he's also more an islay malt kind of man).

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Happy Birthday Nanna

Today was Nanna's birthday. Discretion forbids me from telling you, my dear reader, just which birthday it was but needless to say it was a BIG one. (And there's a clue in the picture.)

We all helped her celebrate by filling the house with balloons, cooking up a big feast and Uncle Phil even baked a hundred cupcakes (I shall start calling him Pillsbury Phil).

We sang 'Happy Birthday' and gave Nanna lots of presents. Auntie Stephanie bought lots of balloons too, although I was a little put out that they weren't for me (but Nanna shared, because she's nice like that).

I made her a mug with my mug on it, so she can see my mug whenever she has a mug of coffee. M&D bought her a purse with their pennies - something she can keep her pennies in. And Grandad gave her a special box full of pens and paper, but no crayons.

As we're all flung far and wide, it's nice to have an excuse to meet up together. Some families live in the same street, even the same house. Others live thousands of miles away from one another and never meet up. I think we've got it just right - every time I see Nanna and Grandad, Auntie Stephanie and Pillsbury Phil, GG and Grandpa it's always exciting. And I know it will only be a few weeks until our next adventure together. The only exception is Auntie Danny - I feel a jaunt to the tropical paradise of Jersey is long overdue.

But back to the festivities - Happy Birthday Nanna!

Your favourite grandson,


Sunday, 7 February 2010

Too Parky for Parkour.

M&D think it's important for me to have interests outside of sleeping, eating and shouting. An interest that stimulates both body and mind. And preferably one that'll help make me get picked up, rather than picked on, at school.

So here I am: parkour for under ones, learning the first lesson - how to overcome any obstacle within one's path by adapting one's movements to the environment. Yes, I'm sitting. But with style, I'm sure you'll agree.


Keeping it in the Family

In 1779 two old duffers were arguing over who had the fastest horse. Instead of entering them into one of the established races at the Oaks Stakes, they decided only a completely new one would do. The Earl of Derby, one of the said duffers, dipped a hand into his rather large wallet and sponsored a new fixture on the Oaks Stakes racecard and rather graciously named it after himself. Rather irritatingly for him, it turned out his chum Charles Bunbury had the fastest horse - Diomed picked up the first ever Derby and a purse of over £1,000. To this day it's still the richest race on the UK calendar.

Here's me and Grandad arguing about which horse might win this year.

He's a bit of an expert, you see, and it's nice he's keen to pass on his knowledge.

Today we all met at The Derby Arms opposite Epsom. It was my first trip to a racecourse, so rather fitting that I got to tread the hallowed turf where the Blue Ribband event of British racing is held every June.

Nanna and Grandad now live close by for a while - a little sojourn in Carshalton between their stint in Cardiff and vacance in Rome. It's nice having them nearby. After a cuddle with Nanna, we then walked back across the racecourse and watched some grown men play with model planes. After one chap's helicopter exploded at 20 feet we jumped in the car and tootled home.

One day I shall have a real one that'll drop me off on Derby Day.


This Week, AMK Recommends...

Flash forward six months. AMK is at nursery and has the place on lockdown. He was the first to understand the power of the powder. A new kid tries to muscle-in on my patch, my lucrative piece of the action: what a mistake-a to make-a.

Benjamin White (the new kid): Hey, my name is Benny Blanco from the other side of the Bridge.
AMK: You know me?
Benny Blanco: Yeah, I know you, you're AMK, mo-freakin' to the max, that's who you are!
AMK: Well, I don't know you. So, I don't owe you, Saso does. My place now, new rules. Everybody pays, okay? You think you like me? You ain't like me, you a punk. I've been with made people, connected people. Who've you been with? Chain snatching, jive-ass, maricon no mo's. Why don't you get out of here and go snatch a purse.

The powder to which I refer is, of course,Ashton and Parsons Infants Powders. It's quite magical stuff.

M&D give me a dose at bedtime and it sends me boss-eyed with joy. A nice little hit of fizzy fun on the old tongue before sleeps. When my teeth finally start coming through I'm hoping they'll up the old dosage.


Friday, 5 February 2010

Sleep 'til You're Hungry, Eat 'til You're Sleepy

That's not a bad philosophy, so I'm testing it out. While my milk does indeed make me sleepy if I drink it in quantity, there's a new way of speeding the journey from hunger to sleep - it combines consumption with physical exercise, you see.

When M&D sit down for their food, I sit down with them in my big chair. They lay out lots of nice things on my tray and I get to sling them about the place and stuff them in my mouth. It started a little hit or miss, but I think I'm getting the knack.

I'm in charge now, so it seems. It might look like feeding time at the zoo, but apparently I'm now a leading exponent of the science of "baby-led weaning". I can't believe anyone seriously believes putting a 6 month old baby in charge of their diet is a good idea, but here we are. I have a little nibble of this, a chew on that. And whether I like it or not I get to sling what's left across the room. It's all marvelous stuff. So far my favourite is brocolli.

Daddy isn't a great fan, it must be said. You see I end up gagging, choking and spluttering a lot. I've only stopped breathing twice and gone blue once, but it's all in a day's work.


Monday, 1 February 2010

This Week, AMK Recommends...

Day-in, day-out. Sleep, eat, giggle, gurgle, entertain, eat and sleep: the weight of responsibility I have to carry on my little narrow shoulders every day. If you're not careful, it can all grind you down.

So it's important to have an outlet - a way of blowing off steam. Some people fly model planes, some watch the rugby and others do karate, karaoke or even learn Klingon. I've found another way, which is why this week I recommend ...stacking cups!(4pce)

M&D build them up, I knock 'em down. Build 'em up, knock 'em down, again and again. There's nothing more theraputic. So just when everything starts getting a little bit too much, give it a go: there's nothing more fun than a bit of crash, bang wallop. And my Mummy is the best cup stacker of them all. I love my Mummy.


Sitting. What could be easier?

Upon every great achievement, it's always nice to share your success and to show it off just a little bit. Auntie Stephanie was up today so I was determined to show her how I've mastered sitting. May sound easy to you, but it's a real skill I tell you - particularly when your head still weighs more than your body.

Thankfully I don't think she noticed this little set back.

Next stop standing. But no rush.


Thursday, 28 January 2010

Get Well Soon Mark

On Guernsey my friend Mark took a tumble on his bicycle. It's a good job he was wearing his helmet, but a bit of a shame he wasn't wearing his cape and spangly bodysuit.

Get well soon Uncle Mark.


Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Proportion and Balance

It's taken 6 months for my body to catch up with my head - the one is now in proportion with the other. And I've also discovered balance (albeit fleetingly).

So here I am putting it all together. Sitting. Just sitting. It's what I like to do.


Sunday, 24 January 2010

This Week, AMK Recommends...

On the 12th January at 16:53 local time an eathquate of a catastrophic magnitude hit the Republic of Haiti in the Caribbean. The United States Geological Survey recorded a series of at least 33 aftershocks and The International Red Cross estimates that about three million people have been affected. It's feared the quake could eventually claim 200,000 lives.

This is an old photo. I hope these boys are ok.

Lots of people are working hard to help everyone on the island. I'm sending this week's pocket money to help. This week I recommend you donate your pocket money too; it's easy, just click here.


Hello Moto, Animoto

This week, AMK recommends ANIMOTO

Create your own video slideshow at

I like watching music videos. And now I can make my very own. Bonkers!


ps Type ILKBDWGT into the promo code box to give it a go yourself

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Ski Sunday. Ski Monday. Ski Tuesday...

Despite the arctic conditions here in old Blighty, millions of folk have traipsed off to the Alps in order to hurl themselves down snow-laden slopes. GG and Grandpa are now off on their grand ski tour and Auntie Danny is hurling herself down the slopes with her chums too.

Here's a picture of Grandpa trying to get back down to the village bar in time for happy hour. And down below you'll see GG in mid-flight: all that practice on the Wii paying dividends! Eddie the Eagle has nothing on my GG.

While I'm still struggling to find my own feet on terra firmer, I think I'll give this skiing malarky a wide berth. But when I'm older I'd like to give it a bash, although I can't ever see Daddy being brave enough.

Perhaps I'll go with my chums, but until then the Wii will have to do.


Friday, 22 January 2010

Friday Night is Alright

Friday. Woo woo. You toil all week long, but when Friday swings round it's party time.

Although one day will often merge into the next, Friday's are special because they usher in the weekend. And that's when I get to see the funny man and we all go and do nice things.

This Friday was a corker as we went over to see Billy for the afternoon. Because my house is so small, M&D decided to borrow Billy's house to entertain the Winterfloods on their own patch. Mummy was going to cook up some nice food, while Daddy was going to entertain Auntie Kate and Uncle David (heaven knows how, but the daft shirt he was wearing got a giggle).

It's important to have good friends; people you can unwind with, laugh with, cry with, piddle on the floor with and just be with. Friends like Billy.


Thursday, 14 January 2010

Man Cannot Live by Bread Alone. Nor a Baby Milk.

M&D do the strangest things with some of my toys. They roll them around the floor or fly them through the air making daft noises. All I'm really interested in though is sticking 'em in my mouth to see how they taste.

Milk, milk, milk gets rather dull you see. So out of desperation I'll try just about anything. Thankfully Mummy at last got the hint and has started to mix things up a little bit. Well, more than mix... more like blend to a pulp.

So far I've tried parsnip (excellent), carrot (good), sweet potato (tolerable) and banana (distinctly unpleasant, but I'll try anything once). Should you visit Bistro Angoose, I can recommend the parsnip and carrot blend.

Just be wary of the 'yellow surprise' and give my nappy bin a wide berth.


Tuesday, 12 January 2010

You Spin me Right Round, Baby

After the chaos and anarchy of my early months (during which I'd stay up all night if I damn well pleased), I've now matured and found contentment in routine.

After 12 hours sleep I'll take my breakfast before a little nap. Then it's onto brunch. And a little nap. Before Mummy takes me for a wander around the shops. While I take a little nap. Then we lunch, I nap. We go home, have a play and it's supper and bedtime.

Today we had Auntie Amy and young Ellie to visit so I did my very best to postpone a nap or two in order to entertain. Thankfully that was the only part of my routine that was disrupted; sure enough, at about lunchtime we went for a walk round the shops.

Mummy is still banned by Daddy from buying me any new clothes. Santa did me ok though, so I'm not down to my last threadbare vest just yet. But Auntie Amy is under no such pressure and so bought Ellie lots of nice outfits.

When we got home I realised just how much Ellie loves her fashion. When she's not modeling the latest in haute couture pour le bebe, she's content simply to watch it spin around in the washing machine. Oh la lah.

I hope that's non-bio in there.


Sunday, 10 January 2010

I am Just Going Outside and May be Some Time

We ventured out into the harsh frozen wasteland of Berkshire yesterday. As brave old Captain Oates said when he was larking about with Scott and his chums on their way to the South Pole, Daddy warned us we could be some time. The temperatures round Henley have recently dropped to a frost bitten -17 degrees: positively antarctic! And with more snow forecast we were prepared for a prolonged stay.

Fortunately, we were kept nice and toasty by the warmth of some Tassell hospitality (they'd had the heating on all day, you see). Uncle Steve and Auntie Sarah bought me a mobile phone for Christmas: it has cat, dog and mouse on pre-programmed speed dial. Daddy's not a fan because it makes noises and doesn't seem to have an off button (afterall, who knows when cat, dog or mouse might call?).

I sloped off to bed early after playing games with Eva and Zac but was kept awake by the grown-ups playing Rock Band for hours. If only one of them had some ryhthm.

The promised snow didn't come overnight so we came home after breakfast without a hitch, but the wind is up and it feels cold enough to freeze my milk.

If our antipodean chums would just send over a few of their gassy sheep, I'm sure we'd have the temperature back up in no time.


Saturday, 9 January 2010

Drop the Bandit

Wassup Officer? 'Course I is over 18 innit. You fink I should Nudge or Hold?

Aye. Innit.


Friday, 8 January 2010

This Week, AMK Recommends...

It's been a couple of weeks since Father Christmas completed the Wimborne, Cardiff, Teddington circuit. Although the wrapping paper kept me entertained for a while, I've now had time to have a good play with my other new things.

Up until now, most of my toys have been soft and tend to rattle or squeak when I bash them hard enough. But tastes change and one must learn to set aside childish things, so now I prefer great lumps of plastic fuelled by double As. My current favourite is my v-tech ball: it flashes and sings and even rolls around in circles on its own. At some point soon I'll be able to chase it around the room.

But while my plastic ball was a fine choice by Santa, this week I'll be recommending my Brio toys. I have a train (thank you Caroline!), a helicopter and a turtle and all of them have a terrific action, without the need for batteries.

They're all wooden, you see, and rely on simple movements and a bit of push or pull power from yours truly.

It's true, I'm not quite big enough to play with them properly on my own but Daddy assures me they're excellent fun. I think the giraffemight be on order and when that arrives I'll make up my mind whether the animals or the machines will rule.


Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Food is an Important Part of a Balanced Diet

Today was the day Mummy decided I couldn't live on milk alone. The pictures below recount the episode of my first serious tussle with solids.

The unknowing anticipation

The battle. Where's my bloody bottle??

The bill please.

Saturday, 2 January 2010

Was That A Landing Captain, or Were we Shot out of the Sky?

My new hero is Michael Palin. Or Paul Theroux. Hmmm, maybe even Columbus himself if he wasn't so Spanish. You see, now I've completed by maiden voyage I can honestly say I have the travel bug. (Not to be confused with my other bug, which has now gone after finishing that disgusting yellow medicine.)

I've already traveled far and wide in the car, but this was my first sojourn via aeroplane. Despite some practice on Grandpa's Wii, nothing could have prepared me for the rumble of the engines and the thrill of the take-off. That said, I was asleep for most of the flight there and back. Here's the plane that flew us across the Channel (hoorah for Aurigny - which other airline would allow their planes to wear big Santa hats at Christmas??).

My grand journey to Guernsey was a triumph. I met the locals who made me feel very welcome; experienced some of the local customs (walking on the beach after lunch); picked up a bit of the lingo (eh?); and also took in some places and points of interest (my favourite being The Rockmount). Here I am with my Guernsey friends Archie and Coco. It's a shame young Joe didn't make the picture but I'm sure I'll see him again too.

Auntie Danny lives on Guernsey's neighbouring island, Jersey. I might go there next, although my Guernsey chums tell me it's full of crapauds which doesn't sound very nice at all.


Friday, 1 January 2010

Happy New Year!

So, that was the year that was. Roll on 2010!

Here's a toast to all that this next year might bring.

Here's hoping it brings me back to The Rockmount for another pint of Monty's and a catch-up with my new chums Archie and Coco.